Seeing Clearly: Repentance

Have mercy upon me, O God,
According to Your lovingkindness;
According to the multitude of Your tender mercies,
Blot out my transgressions.
Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
And cleanse me from my sin.
Psalm 51:1-2 (NKJV)

Shouldn’t I be past this by now?

I grew up in church. I’ve studied the Bible and taught children that Jesus loves them. I pray regularly, alone and with others. I have felt the blessed peace of the Holy Spirit. I have lived long enough to bury my parents and sister and celebrate the births of grandchildren.

When I think of a Christian woman of a certain age, I picture a saintly grandmother dispensing wisdom and radiating grace. When told she must repent of sin, she must strain to think of one. “Well, it was hard to admit that Mabel’s coconut cake was better than mine.”

That’s not me.

As I grow older, my vision is improving. Not my ability to read a distant sign, but my ability to see the chips and cracks revealed in my daily journey. The ill-tempered attitude. The splash of pride. The selfish and stingy response.

I haven’t lived for decades in denial; I’ve never believed I was perfect. But with each birthday I have developed a greater awareness that I have “hidden faults,” and I’m more skilled at spotting them when they peek around the corner.

But who can discern their own errors?
Forgive my hidden faults.
Keep your servant also from willful sins;
may they not rule over me.
Then I will be blameless,
innocent of great transgression.
Psalm 19:12-13 (NIV)

In Psalm 51, cited at the beginning of this column, David contemplates the enormity of his sin in committing adultery with Bathsheba and ordering the murder of her husband, Uriah. He makes no excuses, but throws himself on the mercy of the court, before the consummate Judge Whose every verdict is perfect and just.

But in Psalm 19 David writes about the fact that God sees all sin, not just the flashy, out-in-the-open variety. David is keenly aware that his heart and mind can be deceived, clouding his perception of wrongdoing. So, he pleads with the Lord to reveal those “errors” in order for cleansing to occur.

This is my prayer as well.

Thank You, Father, for revealing my sin to me. I come before You to ask for Your forgiveness and for Your help in becoming the person You want me to be.

Thank You, Lord Jesus, for making my approach to the Father possible.

And thank You, Holy Spirit, for nudging me toward Truth, even and especially when I’d rather stay nestled in the false comfort of my own plans and desires.

In Jesus’s name I pray. Amen.

Almighty and everlasting God, you hate nothing you have
made and forgive the sins of all who are penitent: Create and
make in us new and contrite hearts, that we, worthily
lamenting our sins and acknowledging our wretchedness,
may obtain of you, the God of all mercy, perfect remission
and forgiveness; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives
and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever
and ever. Amen.
Collect for Ash Wednesday, The Online Book of Common Prayer (bcponline.org)