SPOILER ALERT! You
don’t need one if you’ve read the story of Noah and his ark in the Bible. Well, that’s not exactly true. The movie has a guy and his family, a big
boat designed to haul animals, and a flood that wipes the planet clean. The resemblance to the Old Testament account
ends there.
I learned the following from the two hours and 18 minutes I
spent with Russell Crowe and company:
·
The SyFy Channel took the idea for that classic
film Rock Monster from the Bible.
(Haven’t seen Rock Monster?
You obviously don’t spend enough Saturday nights at home.) It turns out pre-Flood Earth played host to
creatures that looked like chunks of broken concrete stuck together. They’re pretty grumpy and would be no fun at
a picnic.
·
People back then had a really cool energy
source, glowing rocks (no relation to the aforementioned creatures) called
zophar. Strike them and they glow and
burn and can be used to create a Molotov cocktail in a pinch. Noah uses several for that purpose when he
has to destroy the raft belonging to his eldest son and pregnant
daughter-in-law who have to escape the ark because Noah has sworn to kill their
child if it’s a girl because he believes God wants all humanity to be
exterminated and a girl could become a mother.
(Are you with me so far?) After
the raft burns Jack Bauer, Chuck Norris, Moses and St. Paul sidle up to the ark
on an inflatable boat, packing AK-47s, bandoliers of extra ammo and a
party-size bag of Cheetos. They tie up
Noah with a sleeping boa constrictor and proceed to flirt with Mrs. Noah, who
looks like Jennifer Connelly.
Alright, nothing I said after “Are you with me so far?” was
in the movie. But it should have been.
·
Now I know why there are no unicorns. I suspect they were eaten by a stowaway named
Tubal-Cain, a greasy looking refugee from the Mad Max movies. Come to think of it, I’ve never been so close
to becoming a vegetarian as I was while watching Noah. Those characters had no table manners
whatsoever, not to mention cooking skills.
·
The Genesis account does tell us that Noah
commemorated his arrival on dry land by getting drunk and “nekkid.” (In South Carolina, the land of my raising,
“nekkid” refers to nudity that’s up to no good.) However, the Bible does not mention that Noah
looked like Nick Nolte in his DUI arrest photo, only worse. Want to dissuade your teenagers from
drinking? Make them watch Noah downing
gallons of wine. I don’t think a drunken
grizzly would look as sloppy.
We never hear from God directly in this movie, but I like to
think it gave Him a few laughs. When
you’re faced with the problems of billions 24/7 you deserve some comic
relief. I can hear Him saying:
“Oh My Me, it’s the Rock Monster!”